


I'm Calling Into The Darkness (Is Anyone There?)

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Physical Abuse, Sad sad sad, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 00:54:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4120447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan tried, he really did.<br/>But there's only so much he can take.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Calling Into The Darkness (Is Anyone There?)

**Author's Note:**

> This is really fricking sad and there's a bit of everything okay I hope you like it  
> 3.8k of sadness, angst, smut, and a bit of fluff  
> I almost cried writing this so yeah  
> Thanks for reading, though uwu

Dan curled up in a ball, bringing his knees to his chest and choking back tears as another shatter sounded from the kitchen. Phil had been having more and more dangerous outbreaks lately, and they had started to become violent. At first, Dan could convince himself that it was because Phil was just tired from everything they had been doing lately, but when Phil came home stinking of alcohol and seething, Dan just braced himself and took it. Bruises had begun to litter his pale and fragile body, and he was almost positive that his arm was broken, but he knew better than to tell Phil. He had learnt from last time.

 

Last time he had approached Phil, cradling his torn and bleeding arm, sniffling quietly, it had not ended well. At all. “Ph-Phil?” Dan had said, in a voice no louder than a whisper. Phil turned from his computer, and stared at Dan’s arm. “What have you done this time?” Phil said coldly, and Dan bit his lip. “I-I, um, I fell, and I think I broke the desk, but I’ll pay for it, I promise,” Dan said hurriedly, wanting to avoid Phil’s anger as best he could. It didn’t work. Phil immediately flew into a rage, standing up to tower over Dan (Dan seemed to have missed the huge growth spurt that most teenage boys achieved). Dan whimpered softly, cowering back, the throbbing pain in his arm forgotten. “You BROKE it?? Do you not understand that things cost money, and we can’t just BREAK everything??!!” Phil roared, and Dan had felt his throat tighten up. He promised himself he wouldn’t cry. Not in front of Phil. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t m-mean to…” Dan hiccupped, feeling tears well up in his eyes. Phil glared at him, and before Dan knew what was happening, a thousand needles were pricking his cheek from the inside and a sharp *smack* was echoing around the cold room.

 

That was the first time Phil had hit him. It had been two weeks, and Dan felt as though he was a stranger in his own house ever since. The desk hadn’t been replaced (it had actually broken to pieces from Phil slamming him onto it) and the dishes were piling up. Dan would wash them, but they had no dish-washing liquid, and Phil wouldn’t let him leave the apartment. Dan had tried, but Phil had just pulled him back in. He basically had Dan under house arrest. Dan gulped, and knocked on their bedroom door softly. “Ph-Phil?” Dan said, pushing open the door slightly. “Do you want dinner?” Dan asked softly, and heard his boyfriend sigh. “Of course, I fucking want dinner, I haven’t eaten pretty much all day. Do you expect me to starve??” Phil growled, and Dan instinctively flinched back. It seemed like hours later when Dan whispered “Okay,” and slinked back into the kitchen, picking up the phone and calling for pizza, keeping his voice as steady as possible. At the end of the call, the boy across the phone lowered his voice, and said three simple words that shocked Dan to the core. “Are you okay, sir?” The man on the phone asked, and Dan just froze. This was his chance. He could get out. But he just nodded. “Yeah, I’m right. Just a bit tired, I guess,” Dan said, gulping past the lump in his throat.

 

A week later, after a restless night's sleep, Dan smiled to himself, waking up and stretching, wincing slightly as the bruises on his body burnt and whipped his tender skin with pain. He looked over at Phil, and scooched over towards him, wanting to see if he could pull a cuddle or two out of Phil. Dan wrapped his arms around his sleeping boyfriend, and buried his face in Phil’s neck, relishing the scent of cologne and chocolate chip cookies. Dan grinned into his neck, remembering back when they were the dream couple. Dan’s mother even agreed. Dan bit his lip, remembering how pleased his mum had been that he had found a nice boyfriend.

 

“I’m nervous, Dan. What if she doesn’t like me?” Phil had said, fiddling with the collar of his shirt. Dan just sighed, kissing his cheek. “I know she’ll love you. _I_ love you, so she’s got to,” Dan said, smiling as Phil blushed slightly. “Alright, baby,” Dan said, before knocking on the door of his childhood house. Not a minute later, Dan’s mother opened the door, before her face lit up. “Danny!” she said, pulling Dan into a hug. Dan rolled his eyes, but hugged her back, smiling a little. “Hi, mum,” Dan said, before pulling back and looking at his blushing boyfriend. “I’ve told you about Phil, haven’t I?” Dan said, and his mum nodded knowingly. “Ah, yes, the famous Phillip Lester. I’ve heard a lot about you,” his mum said with a grin. “You’re Dan’s boyfriend, right?” she said suddenly, and Dan blushed furiously. “Mum! A bit abrupt!” Dan said, and Phil just giggled. “Yeah…” Phil just said, reaching for Dan’s hand with a grin, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder. “Well, why won’t you two come in? I’ll get you a cuppa. Do you want a coffee, Phil?”

 

Dan closed his eyes, letting a tear finally slip onto Phil’s neck. They had been such a cute couple, but now look at them. Dan was terrified to step even one foot out of place in his own house. Dan gulped, hearing Phil stir next to him. Dan waited for a second, before seeing Phil look at him with angry eyes. “What the fuck? Let me sleep!” Phil said, pushing Dan off him and pulling the blankets up to his chin, turning away from Dan. Dan got up to make himself breakfast, wiping away his tears, before he heard Phil mutter to himself “…absolutely worthless”, almost silently. Dan pressed his lips together tightly, escaping the room quickly and pushing the door shut. He ran outside, putting his head in his hands and flopping into the hallway.

 

Dan didn’t understand. What had he done to deserve this?? He thought he had fallen in love with the love of his life – the one. But he was wrong. So, so wrong. He had fallen in love with an abusive monster. Dan choked on tears as he fully came to terms with it. He was being abused. Phil was an _abuser_. Phil was _abusing_ him. Dan took a deep breath, biting his lip and standing up. He knew what he had to do. Dan walked in, opening their door almost silently, glancing back at his unavoidably beautiful boyfriend, and pulling out his suitcase. It was still half packed with the unused clothes from their last trip. Dan bit back tears, opening their wardrobe, remembering their last trip together as he absently packed what little possessions Phil hadn’t broken and that still fit him.

 

It had been over a year ago. Dan had come home that day, to see Phil with two suitcases and a bouquet of red and white roses. Dan grinned, leaning against the wall. “To what to I owe this pleasant surprise?” Dan asked, and Phil walked over to him, handing him the roses and kissing him lovingly. “I felt like taking my absolutely gorgeous boyfriend on a weekend trip to a secluded, romantic resort, is that a bad thing?” Phil murmured, kissing Dan’s jaw softly, and. Oh. It was _that_ kind of weekend. Dan smirked, and grabbed Phil’s hips, pulling them against his own. “Mm… alright, let’s go,” Dan said, before wriggling out of Phil’s grip, grabbing his suitcase and walking out to get in their car, smirking to himself as he heard Phil whine “Waaaaiiit, Dan!” and scramble out of the house.

 

Dan bit his lip, zipping up the suitcase and walking back into their living room, sitting down and staring at the roof, smiling a little as tears ran down his face. His train of thought never stopped, continuing to remember vividly the vacation.

 

Once they had arrived at the resort (Dan limping slightly and Phil smirking with messy hair [the result of their roadside fuck]), they had checked in and went to their room. Dan looked around wide-eyed, grinning. “Woah, Phil, how did you afford this?” Dan asked, setting down his suitcase, putting his phone and earphones on the bedside table and exploring their room. There was a beautiful balcony, from which you could see a beach and a few holiday houses, a huge bathroom with – what appeared to be – gold plating on the rim of the bath, and a plush, cosy king bed in the centre of the room. Dan flopped onto the bed, looking at the roof with a grin. “Oh, my god, Phil, thank you so much, I’ll have to repay you somehow,” Dan said, before he felt Phil crawl on top of him with a small smirk. “Y’know… there is _one_ way you can repay me…” Phil said, and Dan raised one eyebrow. “Oh, really?” Dan asked, before pulling Phil down to kiss him deeply, smiling against his lips, letting his hands roam up and down Phil’s back. “Too many clothes,” Phil had breathed once Dan’s pupils were blown, lips red and almost raw, and pants tented, tugging off his shirt and jeans quickly. “Yeah, yeah,” Dan agreed breathlessly, wriggling out of all his clothes, shivering slightly at the sudden cold pressing harshly against his previously warm skin. Phil smirked down at him, trailing his fingertips very lightly on Dan’s hard and leaking cock, making Dan whine softly. “Desperate, baby?” Phil murmured, bending down to be centimetres away from Dan’s dick. Phil had seen it countless times, but he had never really appreciated it and all its beauty until now. Slightly curved towards Dan, pale (though currently flushed pale pink) and about nine inches, it was gorgeous. His breath was hitting Dan’s cock, making him shiver and whimper, goose-bumps erupting all over his pale skin. “Pl-please, Phil, don’t tease,” Dan begged, and Phil smirked up at him, running his rough tongue over Dan’s cock, making Dan moan at the sudden relief, then Phil pulled back and tugged off his underwear before sitting back on his heels, palming himself softly and looking down at Dan. Phil couldn’t help but smile. Dan looking up at him, dark eyes completely swallowed by his pupils, his hard cock pressed against his lower stomach, feeling desperation overtake his senses and wash out every clear thought Dan had had before. “My good little baby… so submissive for me, aren’t you?” Phil murmured with a smirk, getting off the bed to find the lube. “Y-yes, only for you, Phil, _please_ ,” Dan begged as his hips canted up unwillingly. Phil smirked, grabbing the lube out of the front pocket of his suitcase and clambering back onto the bed. “Fuck, Phil, please, fuck me, fill me up,” Dan begged, and saw as Phil’s smirk only grew as he slicked himself up and sliding immediately into Dan, the stretch burning slightly for Dan, though he loved it, a groan coming from both of them. “Oh, god, Phil,” Dan moaned, clenching around Phil as he felt his body stretch to try and accommodate the huge intrusion. Phil smiled down at Dan, leaning down to catch Dan’s lips with his own, and as he built up a slow, loving thrusting rhythm Dan had started moaning and gasping desperately.

Phil pulled back and slowed when Dan’s ringtone started to bounce around the room. Dan looked over at his phone, grabbing it and putting up one finger. “You aren’t answering the fucking phone while you’ve got my dick inside you, are you?” Phil said with a laugh, and Dan just grinned, rocking his hips back against Phil’s as if to say “Keep fucking me”. Phil just smirked, complying as Dan answered the phone. “Hi, Mum!” Dan said, digging his nails into Phil’s back to hide the pleasure throbbing through his nerves and clinging tightly to the phone as Phil thrust hard into him. “Y-yeah, mum, I’m just on-” Dan cut himself off for a silent gasp, “-on v-vacation with Phil. No, mum, I’m fi-fine, just slammed my foot against the table,” Dan stuttered, throwing his head back with a silent moan as Phil hit his prostate dead-on. After a second, Dan blinked rapidly. “S-sorry, what? My phone’s cutting o-out,” Dan tried, biting his lip. He waited for his mother’s reply, before internally sighing in relief. “Y-yeah, maybe I should try t-to charge it. Thanks, mum, love y-you,” Dan said, before hanging up and moaning loudly. “Oh, fuck Phil, she totally knew,” Dan said, before locking eyes with Phil and curling his toes. “Please, Phil, fuck me so hard I’ll feel it for _days_ ,” Dan begged, and Phil was more than happy to comply, thrusting hard directly into Dan’s prostate, tearing a broken scream from the younger boy. Soon, the bed was shaking, thumping against the wall and Dan – unknowingly – had tears in the corners of his eyes. “Ph-Phil, please, I-I’m close…” Dan hiccupped, clawing at Phil’s back. Phil smirked, leaning down to latch onto Dan’s neck. “Come for me, baby, show me how good I make you feel,” Phil said, before hearing Dan let out a cut-off gasp. Not even a second later, Dan felt the all-too-familiar feeling of overwhelming pleasure wash over him as he came in thick, hot ropes on Phil's and his own stomachs. “Oh, fuck, Dan,” Phil grunted, before Dan felt Phil splash inside him, coating his walls with hot, thick cum.

 

Dan smiled to himself as the memory faded, wiping one eye from the tears. Dan got up to make himself a cup of coffee, sitting down again and starting slightly as he realised he had almost forgotten the best part of that vacation.

 

Phil had taken Dan out for a romantic dinner, and they had just stumbled back into their room, giggling (and not at all drunk). Phil clung to Dan, kissing him sweetly. “Mmm… Dan, if you wouldn’t mind joining me on the balcony,” Phil requested, and Dan nodded drunkly. “Why, of course,” he said with a giggle, bounding out to the balcony and leaning against the railing as Phil walked out into the moonlight. “Y’know you’re really fucking gorgeous under moonlight, Phillip Lester,” Dan said, reaching for Phil’s hand. Phil grinned, kissing Dan softly, before pulling back slightly, holding both of Dan’s hands tightly in his own. “Daniel James Howell, the second I met you, I fell madly and hopelessly in love with you. You are the most perfect person I have ever met in my entire life, and that says a lot, considering I’ve met Patrick Stump,” Phil said, eliciting a giggle from Dan. “I want to be able to call you mine for the rest of eternity, and I had planned a whole speech, but now I’m drunk so I can’t remember it, so I’ll just get right to the point,” Phil said, before suddenly dropping to one knee, looking up as Dan realised what was happening and his eyes filled with tears. Dan watched, though his tears blurred his vision, as Phil bit his lip, and pulled out a small velvet box. “Dan… will you marry me?” Phil asked, opening the box to reveal a gold band with a few diamonds spaced evenly over it, the words “ _Forever and always”_ engraved neatly on the inside of it. "I, uh, made sure the diamonds were even. I know how much you need things to be symmetrical," Phil said with a little giggle. Dan nodded after a second, grinning like a maniac. “Y-yes, of course!” Dan said happily, and Phil just grinned, pulling out the ring and sliding it onto Dan’s finger. It fit perfectly. “I love you so much,” Phil whispered, kissing Dan. It wasn’t like some of their usual kisses. It wasn’t slow and sweet, and it wasn’t hurried and messy. It was eternal, it was promises of weddings and families, of a _future_ together. It tasted of tears and true love and intertwined souls.

 

Dan looked down at his naked hand, getting up to pour his – now cold – coffee down the sink. After ten minutes or so of debate, Dan grabbed a piece of paper, and started to write, his vision blurring with tears. After he had finished writing, and was satisfied with what he had written, he set it on the table, writing simply on the front of the folded paper, “ _Dear Phil”._

 

Phil walked out into the kitchen, looking around for Dan. “Dan??” he called, before seeing the paper on the table. He unfolded the paper, reading quickly.

“ _Dear Phil,_

_This is a lot harder to write than I originally expected. I’m not entirely sure what to say, but I’ll try. I love you Phil, God, I love you so much. I would die for you, Phil. It seems, though, that lately you’ve been trying to prove this. It seems like you’ve been trying to kill me, honestly. I’ve been hoping that this isn’t the case, but I’m not sure anymore._

_I sometimes wonder if you still have the ring. I remember the night we broke off the engagement. You had come home, drunk again. We had fought over the silliest thing. We had argued over who had last done the dishes. I can’t even remember why. Anyway, I had eventually screamed, ‘If you’re gonna be like this, I never want to marry you!’ and I threw the ring at you._

_I cried myself to sleep that night._

_I didn’t mean it, though. I’ve wanted to marry you ever since I met you. You are the love of my life, Phil. I wish I could take back those words; I’ve wished that every single day since then._

_I thought we could come back from it. I thought we’d be able to forget about it, become ‘the dream couple’, and maybe get back on track for a family. But, of course, that didn’t work. Dreams never end up coming true, do they?_

_Since then, our relationship has just gotten worse and worse. To be honest, ~~I'm not even sure I'm in love with you anymore~~_ _. Okay, that’s a lie. I’m still as in love with you as the day I met you. I can’t stay in this relationship anymore, though._

_I love you, Phil, and maybe we’ll reconnect later, but I can’t stay anymore._

_Forever and always,_

_Dan. Xx”_

 

By this point, Phil had completely broken down, starting to sob into his hands. He had just lost the best thing he had ever owned, and it was all his fault. Phil tried to hold back his tears, but to no avail, his cries echoing around the kitchen as he curled up in a ball, trying desperately to calm down, convince himself that he was better off without Dan, that Dan was making a huge mistake.

 

But he couldn’t.

 

* * *

 

It was three months later when the news reached Phil. Dan had gotten into a car crash, and he was dying. Phil wouldn’t lie to himself, he still had feelings for Dan. Very strong feelings. So he immediately left for the hospital Dan was in, gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were turning white. Phil bit his lip as tears started to stream down his face, muttering unintelligibly to himself. Since Dan had left, Phil had realised what had made Dan actually leave. Phil hated himself for it. He had abused Dan, marked his skin with something other than kisses. That shouldn’t have happened. Phil had _never_ intended for that to happen. He had drunk too much, overloaded his common sense with _anger_ and _hatred_ and _sadness_.

 

Phil ran into the hospital nervously, looking around for the reception desk. He ran up to the bored looking woman, panting slightly. “Hi, what room is Dan Howell in?” Phil asked, and the woman clicked a couple times before looking up at him. “Unless you are an immediate relative or significant other…” she said, and Phil quickly yelled “I’m his boyfriend! Please, let me see him!”. And, okay, it was a little lie, but she bought it. She clicked a couple more times, before sighing and looking up at him. “Room 413, take the elevator,” she said, pointing to the metal doors, and Phil thanked her quickly before running to the doors.

 

When the elevator opened on floor 4, Phil sprinted out of the elevator, running down the hall and looking at the doors to find Dan’s. _407…409…411…_ Phil took a deep breath, walking into the room. His heart immediately shattered when he saw how broken Dan looked. Hooked up to too many machines, staring at the roof as his breathing and heartbeat synced. A sign above his bed had messy handwriting scrawled across it that read “ _Daniel James Howell, brain haemorrhage”._ Dan turned his head, and a small smile spread across his face. “Phil…” Dan said softly, biting his lip happily. Phil walked over to the bed, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Dan… I’m so sorry for everything I did. You didn’t deserve any of it, I was a shit boyfriend, I’ve missed you every day since you left,” Phil immediately rambled, wanting Dan to know how badly he messed up and how horrible he felt. Dan just shook his head, reaching his free hand for Phil’s. “No, shh... it’s okay, don’t apologise,” Dan said, and Phil realised tears were starting to fall again. “I-if I hadn’t done th-that, we could’ve b-been married now…” Phil hiccupped, breaking down into tears. Dan just smiled, tears starting to fall down his own face. “It’s okay…” Dan whispered again, and Phil suddenly pulled his hand out of his pocket, unfolding it to reveal the golden band Dan had thrown at him. “Forever a-and always, right?” Phil sniffled, holding the ring out to Dan with a tear-stained smile. Dan nodded, taking the ring and sliding it on. “Of course,”

 

* * *

 

Dan died less than 24 hours later, with Phil by his side. Phil was clinging to his hand as Dan looked over at Phil with a small smile, his heart rate decreasing significantly. “Phil…” Dan said hoarsely, and Phil immediately leant in close. “What is it, Dan?” Phil asked nervously, confused when Dan smiled. Genuinely smiled. “I’ll always love you, Phil. Forever and a-always,” Dan said, before pressing a soft, loving kiss against Phil’s lips and laying back against his pillow as Phil cried and his heart monitor flattened to a slow, steady, monotonous beep.

After Dan’s funeral, Phil tried to move on. He tried to date, tried to continue with his life. But around his apartment were little _things_ that reminded him of Dan. The made side of Phil’s bed that Phil refused to mess up. Dan’s cologne, still stashed deep in the bedside table drawer. Dan’s towel that hung on the back of the bathroom door. The small fridge walrus that Dan had bought, simply because “It’ll be funny, Phil, c’mon, _pleeaaase??_ ”. Phil tried to convince himself that he could do it with time, Dan wasn’t his soulmate, and that Dan wasn’t the one, that he'd find love again.

But he couldn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want, I wouldn't mind taking prompts, so yeah.  
> Thanks for reading, again.  
> <3


End file.
